okkkkkkkk...

ok so fuck that last post. delete delete delete.

can't say i didn't know this was coming. fuck my life. to the maximum. when will it ever be a time where people just start saying "fuck it" and not caring and living their life how they want to?

suckfest '09...here we come!!!

Tonight I was struck with such an odd wave of emotion. It really bothered me. A lot.

Maybe now you know how it feels. Maybe now you can understand why I asked the things I did, and why I said that things that I did. You probably don't know how it feels, you're probably not even CLOSE to getting it, because you don't care. You see nothing wrong with what you do. It's outrageous that I'd even assume that there's something there.

But anyways. Throughout my whole life I've had these moments. The moments where I would like to drop off the earth. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be touched. My face is moist with tears, usually. (Ha, right now.) I just want to cease being for like 5 seconds and just breathe. Is that too much to ask?

I feel lost. I search and search, I never like what I find. And I'm trying as hard as I can to find the silver lining to the cloud that is my life right now. I can't help but feel that it's not there at all.

I need you to give me reassurance. I need you to tell me that it will be ok. I need to believe that you believe as much as I do. I can't rely on myself anymore. I need you to accept the fact that, yes, sometimes I'm paranoid and I freak out about stuff. BUT ALL OF THIS COULD BE SOLVED WITH A LITTLE REASSURANCE. INSTEAD OF EMPTY SENTENCES AND BLANK STARES AND SILENCE. I need you to go out of your way (hopefully very soon because I can't TAKE this anymore) and just ask if I'm ok. I will lie and say yes. But I need you to dig deeper and press me further and take me to a place where I cannot lie to you anymore. And then when I spill my guts to you, I need you to listen. I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN CLOSELY AND HANG ON EVERY SINGLE WORD THAT I AM SAYING LIKE ITS THE LAST THING YOU WILL EVER HEAR. LISTEN UNTIL YOUR FUCKEN EARS BLEED AND THE SUN BURNS OUT OF THE SKY. SHOW you care through the use of your ears. And when I am done, SHOW you care through the use of your mouth.

As I said before, this could be solved with a little reassurance. Sure, it may seem petty and stupid. But it isn't for me. It eats me up inside like a bad parasite.

I'm tired of feeling this way. Please, help me.

New look.

It's kinda sorta summer now, so I figured I'd go with new lighter colors for the layout. Plus, green is my favorite colorrrr :)


Upon reflecting, I have come to some conclusions:

1. My summer is going to be boring. MAYBE.
2. I'm going to be super busy...if I can land the second job at the library. Working mornings to afternoons at the library, then class at night on weekdays. On weekends, work banquets and functions at the Statler Hotel.
3. I can put aside happiness if it means I'm getting paid. I dont care if I'm bored stiff...because I'll be getting paid for it and making tons of money so who cares.
4. I'm turning 21 so soon!
5. I'm gonna start running I think, I just need to find a route that doesn't suck. I'm thinking around campus. Oh, and do that thing called lifting weights. Blah.
6. I am eligible next fall?
7. I NEED A WINE OPENING TOOL FOR WORK!!! I just remembered...I dont have one...ah.
8. I need to do a serious room overhaul (cleaning, laundry, etc.) before I have any friends visit.
9. I'm excited to go home to see my fam...but I'll be excited to come back to Ithaca too.
10. Hmm number ten...I love you :)
11. I'm out of reflections lol


"One day at a time, one step at a time...time is a test we're going through. Pressure holding me down, my head spinning around, but I'm standing my ground. Time is a test we're going through."

Gotta have it.

Sometimes your faith is the only thing you can rely on when faced with uncertainty.

The end of NCAA's

We ended up losing to Sacred Heart. I can't say that I'm not happy that it's all over. But I can't say that I'm not sad either.

This season was nothing short of remarkable. I'm going to miss the seniors terribly. The chemistry we as a team shared is unmatched by, I'm sure, nobody. There will never be another team like us, as long as the game of softball is played.

We said some goodbyes today when we arrived back to Bartels after our trip home. Tonight will be our one last hoorah as a (partial) team...with whoever is left here. I'm sure it, too, will be nothing short of remarkable.

Cornell Softball '09...a team, a season, and a memory for the books.

NCAA's days 2/3

This is a continuation of yesterday's post. As I recall, I left off right before we departed for the field and right after Gaeta and I lounged in the room for 4 hours doing nothing.

So we left for the field at 4pm yesterday...our game was at 7:30pm. We arrived at UMass' field at about 4:07pm. We watched Washington warm up for a long while, and started warming up ourselves around 6pm. The game started at approx. 7:30 where the estimated attendance was at 922 people. Wow.

In the game, we were hanging with UMass for quite some time, until roughly the 3rd inning. That's when the worst display of coaching I've ever seen happened. We had bases loaded with one out...Coach Blood called for a suicide squeeze bunt. RETARD. Not only is there a force on at home plate, but there is a freshman up to bat AND a freshman runner on 3rd (who is not a good base runner). Just stupid. It sucked the momentum right out of us, after the runner was thrown out at third (failed squeeze) and the batter struck out. Later in the game, he had someone steal...out. One batter later, another person attempted to steal...out. Terrible coaching. And on top of that, terrible umpiring.

After our loss (run-ruled in the bottom of the 6th)...we all met with our families and got on the bus. All of the upperclassmen were discussing the same thing: the poor coaching. It was just horrible. And he didn't take any credit. He blamed it all on us.

We got back to the hotel after the game and had pizza and salad waiting for us. It was really good pizza, which was one positive to the night. Gaeta and I went back to the room around 10:30...and we were sleeping by 12. Apparently I was talking in my sleep, haha.

We woke up around 9:20 today. We've been lounging and watching quality tv ever since. Again, I love this because the NCAA is paying for everything! This is the laziest (softball) trip I've ever been on. Usually it's stressful and we have schoolwork to worry about. This is awesome because...we've already won, it's stress free. We won Ivies...this is just the icing on the cake, if you will. It's just a fun, awesome experience. I love it.

Today we're departing at 12:30 for lunch at Quiznos. Then we're going to watch the Umass/Washington game. Should be a good one. Our game with Sacred Heart is slated to begin at 5pm, winner will face UMass/Wash at 7:30pm.

Ya Red. Here we go!

NCAA's, Days 1 and 2

It all started with a departure time from Bartels at 8:30am. We were all extremely tired, so most of us slept the whole way to Albany, where we stopped to fuel up and get huge at Panera. The bus ride to Amherst from Albany wasn't too bad. We arrived at the hotel around 2:30/3pm.

Gaeta and I are roomates. Awesome. Love the girl. We are in a handicapped hotel room...it's huge. And the bathroom is quite large. We hung out in the room until we had to go practice.

4:35pm: Depart hotel for practice at UMass' field.
5:00: Cage time after Washington was done.
6:30: Practice cut short because of rainy/shitty weather. I'm not complaining.
7:30: Depart for dinner at Bertucci's and it is deliciousssss, we all ate so much food.

After dinner a bunch of us just chilled in someone's room and had a blast. Gaeta and I returned to the room around 11:30. We were sleeping by 12:30.

We both slept until 9:45am, where we preceeded to get breakfast down in the lobby and bring it back to the room, where we lounged for about 2.5 hours until lunch at 12:30 at Applebees.

Right now, we're chilling in the room once again until 4 when we leave to go watch Washington play Sacred Heart. Our game is at 7:30pm tonight.

So basically the whole time we've been here...we've either been laying in our hotel bed, eating, or sleeping. Best part: the NCAA is paying for everything.

I love this game.

Ritalin's never gonna feel the same...

Thank god I dont have a gun. My finger would be on the trigger. I'd choke myself with the barrel before dining the copper encased ticket to the land of No Bullshit.


What a fine last meal that would be.

Let me sign

Standing by a broken tree,
Her hands are all twisted
She's pointing at me,
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky
She said, "Walk on over here to the bitter shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved."

It's true what they say.

In order for some things to start, other things have to end. Sad, but true.

"'Cause when I'm with her, I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay"

No words can describe this.

My life is perfect <3

I'm trying so hard

But I just can't let you go...