You're a fucking bitch and you are well aware of it.


For some reason, you feel it necessary to go OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY to try and get under my skin. SERIOUSLY, cut the shit. I'm fucken tired of you and the bullshit.


Just leave me the fuck alone. And stop trying to rub your fucken gay life in my face, because, guess what? I don't give a shit.


I'm happy, and I'd like to stay that way...without you. Fuck face.

birthday.

it's my 21st birthday. hell fucken yes.


i'm drunk. totally legal. hell fucken yes.


i love alcohol. hell fucken yes.


tomorrow is gonna be nuts. hell fucken yes.

You learn a lot about urself broken down on the side of a highway while your car goes up in flames. Silver bullet, you have outdone yourself.

It's hard to describe...

I don't know what this feeling is. This feeling of being home...when I am not home. Let me try to elaborate.

I first arrived in Ithaca around June 1st. I had a job. I had classes. I was busy. I was distracted.

Soon though, after falling into an all-too-boring routine, I started realizing that I was unhappy here. None of my friends were here, I could barely stand my job, and classes were difficult. I wanted so badly to go home. So much so that I escaped for 3 days at a time, when I could. Short but sweet, as they say. I also planned trips to visit friends, hoping that I could ease the loneliness I was experiencing and get away from Ithaca -- the place I was starting to detest.

These feelings hung around for quite some time. I couldn't shake them. There was nothing I could do to make this town feel like a home. I hit a very low point. I locked myself in my room for three days straight. I called out of work. I made myself sick thinking about all of it. I couldn't eat without feeling horrible, I couldn't sleep without the aid of a drug, and I couldn't get out of bed during the day. I was useless.

I'm not sure what happened, but something clicked about two days ago. I decided that it was time to change things, because I didn't like how I was feeling. I was back on the work schedule, so I was kept busy during the day. That night I cleaned my kitchen and the front hallway. It made me feel so much better, weird. The next day (yesterday), I walked to work in the sun. It was beautiful. I worked with all of my favorite people. Then, last night, I got a text from a friend at work asking me to hang out. I accepted and escaped my house and went to hers. Me and two other girls from work sat and talked for about 4 hours. We talked about life, work, school, friends, summertime, keeping in touch, etc etc. After I left I wanted to cry...but I didn't know why.

Then again tonight, I got a text after my friend got out of work. "Wanna hang out?" Yes, and another friend from work joined us too. We sat outside on this beautiful night and talked for 4 hours...same stuff: work, school, friends, school, summertime, keeping in touch, etc etc. Again, walking home...I wanted to cry. In a small way my heart was breaking.

I got home and sat with these emotions for a little while, wondering why after I had just spent time with my friends that I could feel so low. Then, again, something clicked.

Just in the past 3 days, I have become so attached to this place and the people here. I have made some of the greatest friends that I could ask for. They are so different from me, yet we relate so well. I was excited to go home, but now it is breaking my heart to think that I have to leave all of this behind. I know I'll be back, but it won't be the same. With class schedules and school picking up, it won't compare to the summer. The friends that I've made here this summer are some of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure to associate myself with. They've made Ithaca a place that I can call Home. They are the reason that I love going to work every day. They are the reason that I feel like crying when I think about how I have to leave here in a day.

I'm leaving something so great behind. As much as I love going home, I can't help but admit that I'll be thinking about Ithaca while I'm in Plymouth, wishing my work buddies, correction, good friends were there with me.

So it's odd because...I feel like I'm leaving Home to go...Home? Ugh.

I know tomorrow night is going to be difficult for me. It is my last night in Ithaca for a while. My friends and I will be getting together for one last time before I depart. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye to them, the people that make this town feel like Home.

Let's face it, I'm TOTALLY gonna cry at least half of the way home.

Owl City dental care.

I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and laugh out loud. As I'm beaming from ear to ear, I'd rather pick flowers instead of fights. I'd rather flaunt style. I'd flash you a smile of clean pearly whites.

I've been to the dentist a thousand times, so I know the drill. I smooth my hair, sit back in the chair, and some how I still get the chills.

"Have a seat," he says pleasantly, as he shakes my hand and practically laughs at me. "Open up nice and wide," he says peering in. And with a smirk he says "Don't have a fit, this will just pinch a bit..." as he tries not to grin.

Talking only brings the toothaches on because I say the stupidest things. So if my resolve goes south, I swallow my pride with asprin and shut my mouth.

Cough and alcohol don't mix, and that's why I don't drink and drive. Because, good grief, I'd knock out my teeth and have to kiss my smile goodbye!

:-D

Owl City.

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins.

Owl City.

It's quite clear that I'm stuck here, so I'll devise a plan and cut out a door in my new living room floor. The porch light is so bright, that I will quickly sneak down the dark metal shape of the rusty fire escape.

I bought a one-way ticket, 'cause I knew I'd never see the ground. Unless I was aboard a jet plane, and we were going down.

Some people say the best stuff to me.

"If you're thrown overboard, you just gotta know how to swim. The strong do survive, and it really helps if you have charm and wit."

True story, baby. I'm going places.

Ouch/Party Time.

Ok so I think I may have tweaked something in my back. I can conclude that its from sleeping in a foreign bed for a while...so my back rebelled against me.

This is extremely unfortunate because I do a lot of lifting at work, and bending over to pick things up. So I've found that recently I can't even do simple tasks without a shooting pain in my right side. Its like once I bend over I just wanna stay there because I know when I try to straighten up its gonna kill like a bitch. And it usually does.

For now I'm just going to power through it. If it does get worse...well, by that time I'll probably be home and off of work for a little while. I can treat it with some boozin' because I'll be 21 by then. Oh joy.

Speaking of home, I can't wait to be there. The day I get back my father and Marlene are throwing a complete ripper for me at their house. She told me there will probably be a keg (or two!) at the party. I shot some invites to my friends to come over and take advantage of the free booze and free (catered) cuisine. My dad always told me, "We had a keg at your first birthday party, so that means we have to have one at your 21st!!"...gotta love him. Also, my dad's side of the family...they are like the masters of acquiring tons and tons of fireworks. Mind you that they are illegal in MA. So of course, we are also having a fireworks display that night. Happy birthday to me lol.

Hopefully I will survive my 21st. I knowwwww my friends have some fucken crazy shit planned for me, and they won't stop until I'm totally hammered. None of that lame, "Oh lets go to the bar and have a couple drinks" shit. Nah, all-out, booze-fest. Basically we're fucken bar-hop the shit outta downtown and get shitfaced. My friends and I know how to have a good time, and we are gonna do just that. FUCK YES.

Ahhh...I can't wait :)

Well, that didn't take too long.



It's true what they say...haha.

Been thinking.

Been thinking a lot. This is a big decision for me. I can't continue to take the fact that the bridge is burning...the bridge which we both built. It seems like I am the only one trying to maintain it.

I give up.

This is it.

Some will seek forgiveness, others escape.

Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace.
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Jesus, I'm ready to come home
I'm ready to come home...

I wish I had a time machine

oh hey 17 days, fuckahhhhh

Bloggity blog blog

Im in a bloggy mood lately.



I made two new ones. More for me than anybody. Personal interest, if you will.

This literally made me laugh out loud for 5 minutes.

Talking to Jess...she just got back from Honduras. This is what she tells me:

Jess: i had a dream about you last night lol it was weird
a5garv: oh jeez
Jess: yup
a5garv: what was itttt
a5garv: was it appropriate
Jess: mostly? lol
a5garv: ok
a5garv: let me hear it
a5garv: all the dirty details
Jess: it was weird
Jess: it was like an outdoor buffett?
Jess: and there were rows and rows of food
Jess: and you and me and a couple of ppl were in trouble
a5garv: of course
Jess: because we weren't following the christmas spirit
Jess: like we weren't being good?
Jess: so we had to eat chicken and christmas food
Jess: and wear xmas colors
a5garv: hahahahahahahah
Jess: but you and i kept sneaking away
Jess: well sort of to the side
Jess: to make out on a bed of mashed potatoes
Jess: it was really really weird..
a5garv: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Jess: then my alarm went off


At this point i was literally laughing so hard i could not see my computer screen. She blames it on her anti-malaria meds...i just say that she misses me!!! But anyways, its good to hear from her after she was in Honduras for 5 weeks with limited communication. We surely have a lot of catching up to do.

Goooood timessssss

Virginia is fantastic ;)




I love it here!!!

wtf.

Why do girls gotta be bitches?




p.s. give up already. it's bordering on pathetic now. actually i think it's crossed that border. now it's just obsession to the point where you're actually getting some pity from me. ha.

Sooner than Later

Every chance I get to make it better
I just find a way to let it go
When the lights don’t glow the same way that they used to
And I finally get a moment to myself
I will realize you were everything I’m missing
And you'll tell me you're in love with someone else.


The girl or the world?
You see, someones gotta lose.
I thought I could have it all
Do I really gotta choose?
What good is all the cash if it doesn’t buy time?
And what good is being me if I’m never on your mind?
Nights fallen, lights glowing
I’m just trying to pay the price
I'm not trying to be without you at the right moments
Is it worth that decision?
Cuz hearts break, and I'm not trying to be in that collision
So I will dust my shirt and fix my pants
Cuz I better look good girl
If this is my chance.
I swear...

Murphy's Law.

"Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

I am feeling low. Lower than low. The lowest I have felt in quite some time. Probably because of a series of unfortunate events.

Just today was horrible. A day that, I believe, would render any somewhat emotional person into a whirlwind of tears and depression. Luckily I'm not feeling that emotional right now, ha.

It started when I received an email this morning from my mom telling me that John has been laid off from his job. She said it best when she said that our financial situation will be way tighter now, moreso than usual. Figures that on the day that she tells me she cannot afford uneccessary expenses, something goes wrong with my car.

I don't know what it is, but I have never really felt so slighted in my life. First, I have a friend from home visit, and I felt like ever 20 minutes her girlfriend was calling to check in. Eventually I got so frustrated I said something to her. I know nothing will change. Also, I am a person who would drop pretty much anything at a moments notice to help a friend in need. I don't like when people are selfish and can't go out of their way in an emergency or a tight situation to help a friend. Seriously, fuck you. I'll tell you where to go and how to get there, asshole.

I think it was at the point where I started feeling this weight and the lowness of it all is when I had to walk to class in the rain. It just all set in. The fact that my mom relies so much on my father and his income, even though they are not tied to eachother whatsoever (only by me). He complains about paying for college, when in reality he's the reason we do not get any aid. He complains about paying for something that will benefit me so much, and then goes on vacation in Martha's Vineyard for a week and a half. It makes me feel bad for wanting to pursue some form of higher education in this world, and makes me feel bad for wanting to better myself, because my dad "can't afford" the things he wants while he's paying for me. So it sucks that my car broke down today, because it's another thing we have to lean on my father for, and another thing he can hold over mine and my mother's heads in the future.

I want to cry but I won't. I don't have a reason to cry. I'm just in love with my car and its like when your favorite toy breaks OF COURSE you want to cry. And I'm just very stressed and very blah right now its all hitting me at once.

But, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! There is, I swear! I love my job. I am working a lot this week. I am very excited. I love my work friends. Work friends = amazing.

Also, I booked a trip today. A neccessary trip. I'm getting away July 4th weekend and for once spending it how I want to spend it. I'm funding the trip so no one can give me flack. So, fuck off. I'm going to enjoy my vacation.

I will end with some lyrics, "Cause paper always listens and this pen is always by my side." So true. It helps to write (or type) things down.

Am I nuts? No, I'm insane.

Headaches, headaches. I've had more headaches in the past week than I've had in like the past year! And when I say headache, I dont mean because I'm hungover...I mean straight up, today I woke up and all I could say to describe it was that its a "headache hat". My whole head was just in so much pain.

Anywho, my life consists of, right now: work (a lot), statistics, accounting...and thats about it. I'm managing to keep busy, and have been planning trips sporadically to keep myself entertained. I can't wait for my July 4th weekend adventure!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Next week I have a friend visiting too. So yay for company. Just gonna be a shitshow so yay to that as well lol.

Ok my headache is officially taking over my life right now so I need to close my eyes and not look at a break comp screen.