Sooner than Later

Every chance I get to make it better
I just find a way to let it go
When the lights don’t glow the same way that they used to
And I finally get a moment to myself
I will realize you were everything I’m missing
And you'll tell me you're in love with someone else.


The girl or the world?
You see, someones gotta lose.
I thought I could have it all
Do I really gotta choose?
What good is all the cash if it doesn’t buy time?
And what good is being me if I’m never on your mind?
Nights fallen, lights glowing
I’m just trying to pay the price
I'm not trying to be without you at the right moments
Is it worth that decision?
Cuz hearts break, and I'm not trying to be in that collision
So I will dust my shirt and fix my pants
Cuz I better look good girl
If this is my chance.
I swear...

Murphy's Law.

"Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

I am feeling low. Lower than low. The lowest I have felt in quite some time. Probably because of a series of unfortunate events.

Just today was horrible. A day that, I believe, would render any somewhat emotional person into a whirlwind of tears and depression. Luckily I'm not feeling that emotional right now, ha.

It started when I received an email this morning from my mom telling me that John has been laid off from his job. She said it best when she said that our financial situation will be way tighter now, moreso than usual. Figures that on the day that she tells me she cannot afford uneccessary expenses, something goes wrong with my car.

I don't know what it is, but I have never really felt so slighted in my life. First, I have a friend from home visit, and I felt like ever 20 minutes her girlfriend was calling to check in. Eventually I got so frustrated I said something to her. I know nothing will change. Also, I am a person who would drop pretty much anything at a moments notice to help a friend in need. I don't like when people are selfish and can't go out of their way in an emergency or a tight situation to help a friend. Seriously, fuck you. I'll tell you where to go and how to get there, asshole.

I think it was at the point where I started feeling this weight and the lowness of it all is when I had to walk to class in the rain. It just all set in. The fact that my mom relies so much on my father and his income, even though they are not tied to eachother whatsoever (only by me). He complains about paying for college, when in reality he's the reason we do not get any aid. He complains about paying for something that will benefit me so much, and then goes on vacation in Martha's Vineyard for a week and a half. It makes me feel bad for wanting to pursue some form of higher education in this world, and makes me feel bad for wanting to better myself, because my dad "can't afford" the things he wants while he's paying for me. So it sucks that my car broke down today, because it's another thing we have to lean on my father for, and another thing he can hold over mine and my mother's heads in the future.

I want to cry but I won't. I don't have a reason to cry. I'm just in love with my car and its like when your favorite toy breaks OF COURSE you want to cry. And I'm just very stressed and very blah right now its all hitting me at once.

But, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! There is, I swear! I love my job. I am working a lot this week. I am very excited. I love my work friends. Work friends = amazing.

Also, I booked a trip today. A neccessary trip. I'm getting away July 4th weekend and for once spending it how I want to spend it. I'm funding the trip so no one can give me flack. So, fuck off. I'm going to enjoy my vacation.

I will end with some lyrics, "Cause paper always listens and this pen is always by my side." So true. It helps to write (or type) things down.

Am I nuts? No, I'm insane.

Headaches, headaches. I've had more headaches in the past week than I've had in like the past year! And when I say headache, I dont mean because I'm hungover...I mean straight up, today I woke up and all I could say to describe it was that its a "headache hat". My whole head was just in so much pain.

Anywho, my life consists of, right now: work (a lot), statistics, accounting...and thats about it. I'm managing to keep busy, and have been planning trips sporadically to keep myself entertained. I can't wait for my July 4th weekend adventure!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Next week I have a friend visiting too. So yay for company. Just gonna be a shitshow so yay to that as well lol.

Ok my headache is officially taking over my life right now so I need to close my eyes and not look at a break comp screen.

It needs to stop.

I need to stop having dreams like that. So realistic, so emotional, so bothering. What I also need to do is stop eating so close to when I go to bed...damn eggs and toast!


Anyways, things are interesting. It always seems for me that when one thing ends another is shortly following. Well this is no different. Its nice to have someone to call after work and just talk to about nothing for what's been very hefty chunks of time. And getting to know someone is so much fun :)


Also, I have somewhat of a new addiction. Its technology induced, of course, which I hate because that's more time spent on my computer not actually doing anything and not having a life. Anyway, I've found that I've been looking up celebrities on Twitter? Random, I know. But it's cool...because they're normal people and they Tweet (?) about normal things and I just wish I was famous...that's the bottom line. Ha. No, but really, Miley Cyrus is human too!!!!!


Now that I look like a big loser I'm going to peace outttt. Gotta go to work so I can make that money and afford all my trips this summer ;)

Going to "Hoe School"...trust me, it'll be a hit on VH1.

So very very very very very very very...


...VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY excited for tomorrow!!! :-)


I'm going to Poughkeepsie(-ish?) for the weekend, and it's garaunteed to be a fucken blast and a half. Ahhhh I've been waiting so long for this day to come!!!


I'm counting down the minutes.

Ithaca is...

Lonely.


But I'm hanging in. Still happy as a clam :)

To be continued...

Life is good! :)


More on this later.